Katie

Katie cracks me up!!

She still takes a shower with me cause #1, she doesn't have a tub, and #2 I can make sure she is properly washed.

Katie pays special attention to detail. In the shower I notice her little twirks more. She has to arrange the shampoo and soap just so. Kinda OCD if you ask me.

Another thing, there is a moment of my shower when I just stand there, letting the water rush over my body. As I turn to the side, my arms crossed, water fills my hand and runs down my body. Well, Katie has noticed the water and now she puts her hand on my side and catches the water. Even if she is distracted with the soap bottles she watches for me to do this.

I know this may sound a bit weird, but to me as the Mom, I think it's neat.

Family

I know sometimes we get mad at our family. We feel that we will never talk to that person again when we are enraged by their actions.

This is going on all around me.

My dad states that he won't ever speak to my cousin again and now my Aunt and Uncle proclaim they are done with my Mom. The thing is, none of thesee people are gonna just disappear from reality. What I mean is the bond that ties these people cannot be erased.
When we get mad at people there are people we can erase, but they are the people who have no blood ties. I know I am not making sense but the extreme is happening around me.
What do I do.
How can I comfort those who are lost and wondering.

I have to stay focused on what's in front of me at that very second. When I'm at work, it's work stuff. When I'm at home, it's family time and the same for school. When my dad calls I am about what my dad needs.

Jehovah...Don't let go.
Amen

Time

Time has made light of my situation once again.

Maybe even Jehovah had his hand in making me feel better. On Thursday I couldn't take it anymore...I knelt down by my bed and prayed. I cried I told him everything like I was I telling someone for the first time. Since then...I have felt so much better. I wasn't praying for help, or asking for anything, I simply gave it over to him. Jesus says his load is light..So I gave my load up! :)

My mom is getting out of the hospital today. I am full of worry and concern.
The other day a friend put it to me in lamens terms...it's too bad I have to be a mother to my mom.. He was right. But I got this. I will not fall for any tricks or lies. I know them all anyways.

I am enjoying this semester of school. It is weird not studying so hard and thinking my grade has to be an A. I am just taking it easy I guess you would say.

Guilt

Why is it possible to bare guilt of others?
Why do I feel so responsible for choices my mom has made?

I found something out from one of her test and I told Dea. He told me I should not be the only one who bares the truth so I told my Aunt. My Aunt is so upset. I do not blame her. The thing is, my mom is really sick. Stress will not let her heal.

My mom just got out of ICU yesterday but when I spoke to her a little bit ago she said she's getting another transfusion and she doesn't feel well. All kind of thoughts are running through my mind...

Dea is upset that I feel guilt. I even vented to my dad, which I really wished he DIDN'T do. I feel I have a reason for why I do what I do, I'm just not sure yet what reason is yet.

Update on mom

What a wild ride I have been on these past couple of days...but I want off.

My mom is being moves out of ICU today. I'm glad but some other worries are coming up.

I told you there was something else that I am holding off on telling you, this secret is huge and has affecting many individuals. Mainly my grandfather in which whom my mom lives with. My Aunt has called it quits with her. She said that she no longer has a sister and I need to deal with my mom from here on out.

I can't focus. I really need to get my home work done, yet I'm blogging and reading other blogs.

Tonight Brandon has a talk, so hopefully Jehovah will comfort me in the way he knows how. I need him!!

Worry

Yesterday I got a call that my mom is in the hospital. She is the ICU. On a ventilator, sedated, and without me and my brother.

This picture is last year. Me, my brother, my mom and my brother's kids. What if we never take this picture again?

I am at a loss of what to do. I don't know if I should go to Vegas or not. I feel this incredible need to be with her yet I have chaos of my own.

My brother is a mess. distraught, not sure what to do either.

And I am next of kin. I am the only person authorized to make any decisions regarding her care.

I talked to my dad last night. He didn't mention my mom's situation. But it was a good conversation. I can see him trying again and letting go of some things that have been bothering him. If my mom passes away, my dad is not the one I can turn to for comfort. All I have is Dea..

I have to go to work...although my mind is still filled with worry and doubt.

More to come.

Day 2 of Snowboarding

So snowboarding wasn't so bad...I guess.
I still don't have the hang of it. I went and purchased new boots which were a huge help but I still felt some burn.
I finally figured out how to turn my body to go another direction but I am extreme;y sore from the cable that takes you up the mountain for the bunny run. I pulled my arm muscle tendon and yesterday I took tons of medicine. Even a muscle relaxer...which I NEVER take.

I can't wait to get to the point that when a friend asks if I want to go boarding, I won't chicken out. :)

Today I have work. Very thankful to be working 2-10. Morning shift is quite chaotic. Although I'm not sure if my body is thankful.

I have a bit of drama with my family right now, my grandpa's funeral is February 5th. But not ready to talk about it. I just want us to be there for each other. :)

Snowboarding Lesson #1

So today I went snowboarding for this first time in my life.

It was a beautiful day, sun was screaming and the snow was glistening! PERFECT!

So I walk into the room he gives me my pass and I proceed back out to my car to gear up. Boots, gloves, hat, goggles, the works. Then I walk to the pole that says
"Never Been Ever", Yep that's my pole. The instructor for the skiers is chatting with me for a bit. After a while, and I mean a long while, I realize I need to sit down. I had been standing WAY too long. Wow!
Finally progress, we move to the groups we're supposed to be in.

My instructor Tammy is way nice. She tells us about the board, all the mechanics of it, how to put my foot in, everything. Then she says something that appears to be in another language cause I am suppose to try to slide with my board on one foot. WHAT? How the heck do you do that? Apparently I am the ONLY one never been before because everybody else got what she was talking about. lol

So I'm doing my thing, left foot buckled, right foot freely on the board for some reason and down I go. I'm screaming...AHHHHHHHHH.....But nope, no fall for me. hehe

I can't get this, my ankles are killing me and I felt as if I was working WAY to hard. So I talked to my instructor, we decide to put my bindings tricky so I can boars both regular and goofy. Goofy means my right foot is forward.

So I go down the mountain digging my heels into the snow, not wanting to let go of Tammy. I get back up the mountain somehow, let's try the cable pulley...

OUCH..and OMG, ...and WHAT THE HELL....and THERE GOES MY HIP....
needless to say I didn't "catch" on the first time.

Another guy came and helped me out, even gave me a little boost and explained to me what exactly I should be doing. Thank goodness!!!!

So hear I am taking a bit of a breather and I explain that my ankle is moving a lot in my boot, my ankles are burning, and the boot is just digging into my calf. I told my instructor I wear an 8.5 and my boots are 9.5, she was not happy. And neither am I cause my boots are a complete size too big and the store won't take em back. crap!

At least I know what I can fix so Lesson #2 won't be so horrible!!

Spring 2011

I am not in the mood to do difficult school work right now. I was thinking of re-taking Anatomy but I got into the class, which by the way was overloaded and the teacher was very vocal, to say the least. I kept asking myself...Is this what I really want to go through again. I have taken Anatomy, Physiology, Chemistry, and Pathophysiology for the past two years and I'm tired of woring so dang hard...

So I dropped Anatomy, I am now just taking Into to film, the last part of TBE and desperately trying to get into History. Oh I forgot, I'm taking SNOWBOARDING!!!!

I am super excited about snowboarding. At first I was taking it so maybe I can socialize with others but it has become something I've just wanted to do myself. I don't like the cold weather very much and I can do away with snow but I figure if I'm gonna live here I might as well make the best of it. I have everything I need. New board, new boost, bindings, hats gloves, cold weather gear, snow pants, jacket...ALL READY...,
Now I just need to make it to the mountain. hehe