Work Stuff

Yesterday we had a manatory staff meeting. All was great. Then my anxiety rose at the Med-tech meeting. Andrea (my new boss) said she was starting over on all med errors and work errors. which is good but kinda unfair.
She also said that med tech's are in charge.
This makes me super nervous. I don't think I am any where capable of being in charge of others. But non the less I will step up to the challenge.

Another issue is I lost a follower. :(
I was kinda hurt because I know this person really well and she didn't come talk to me. I went to talk to her and she said that I'm too negative for her to read. This broke my heart. For a couple reasons, #1, I felt like in order for her to be in my life I'm not aloud to be going through anything and if I'm am, I'm not aloud to talk about it. #2, What happened to being friends no matter what? I have really grown close to this person, shared my most secret things about my past. Now I just feel stupid for opening up.

Things is... I miss her. I miss the person I have coffee with, laugh with, relate to. She is the one who knows the struggles of being a nursing student and all I have to deal with. I don't want to not have my friend.

My hope is, she comes back...

15 and DRIVING?

Today we are taking Jeff to the DMVHe says he is ready to get his permit.

What a mile stone as a Mom. I have a baby old eneough to get a permit and possibly let him drive me around...OMG.

KINDA SCARY!!!!

Philippeans 4:6,7

"Do not be anxious over anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication along with thanksgiving let your petitions be made known to God; and the peace of God that excells all thought will guard your hearts and your mental powers by means of Christ Jesus".

December 25

What a whirl wind of a weekend...

I worked double shifts the 24th and 25th because Dea and the kids went to his Mom's. I'm fine with that, The morning of the 24th I realized I didn't want to be at the house so I went to get a coffee and thought about eating at Denny's before work.
I was scrolling through my Facebook stuff when I saw a post from my cousin that read,
"Dear god please let my family get thought this holiday and let my grandpa go in Peace". I called her immediately to find out what was going on.
She had no idea that NO ONE had contacted me concerning my Grandpa. So she informed me that my Grandpa was dying and it would be today or tomorrow. I called my brother immediately to see if her spoke to my dad and low and behold he did.
I tried calling my dad but no answer. I was so hurt, filled with hate. I couldn't stop crying. My emotions were OUT OF CONTROL!!! to say the least.
The next day, the 25th I got a call from my brother at 2:15. I refused to hear about my Grandpa from my brother so I called my dad. He finally answered and broke the news that my Grandpa had died, in a very curt way.

It frustrates me when my family can't pull together in this time of need. We need to rally for eack other and be there so we can all mourn. Instead we have drama, outbreak, and heartbreak.

This is my Grandpa..

What a wonderful, gentle, kind, loving, true to himself man. I will miss him.

16 and Pregnant

On MTV there is a show called 16 and Pregnant. I have watched it for three seasons now. They also have a show Teen Mom, that shows us what these girls' loves have been like after the baby was born.

Last night was the final episode..It was about a girl, Ashley. She lives with just her mom and her sister and the guy she got pregnant by, wasn't around, typical.
Anyways, she was considering adoption. But the weird thing was it was her Aunt and Uncle who were adopting the baby. Ashley felt good for a while but when the questions were asked concerning what she wanted during and after delivery, she wanted to avoid the entire subject.
She had the baby, spent 48 hrs with the baby and her aunt and uncle took her home.(the baby) Ashley was so distraught that she went and picked up the baby and cared for her for a month..as a trial period. Her aunt and uncle were very supportive. (weird)

Finally, Ashley made the decision to give her up for adoption.

My own life has never lead me to give a child of mine up for adoption but I did reflect on my struggles as a young mom...
When I was 19 I gave birth to Jeff, 15 months later came Destiney. Jeff's biological has never been around and Destiney's dad has caused a lot of chaos. I was on welfare, my grandma watched Jeff, I lived in a tiny appartment above my landlord. The apartment had NO heating so I used the oven to warm up the place, and along with NO heating, there was NO cooler. It would get up to 110 degrees. But my rent was 300.00 and I had no one to turn to.

I worked 3 jobs at one point, The Jethawks Stadium, Mervyns, and Dress barn. It wasn't untill Destiney's grandpa got me a job working security at Edwards Air Force Base that I landed on my feet. I was making good money, enough money to get off welfare. I was so proud of myself. I did it! I felt strong again.

My kids are what i work so hard for. I want to be a person they can look up to, to learn from.

One of my regrets is I didn't have a camera to capture Jeff and Destiney's life as babies. :(

He Left

Welp, you guessed it...Dea went to his parents. He left this morning and may be home tomorrow evening because he has traffic school. Then he will leave Thursday and spend the holidays with his family.

Are you wondering if I told him I wanted to stay? Yes I did. I said that although I do not celebrate it's not great fun to be alone. I wonder if he even heard me? Last night before were turned the TV off he was jumping down my back that I've done something wrong. It was so unfair.

Is it ok for me to vent about money here? He took 200.00 out for grocery's and today he gave me 100.00. I'm not usually an insecure woman, I mean it is what it is, but I feel he is deceitful with money all the time.

Relationships are difficult enough, when will I get a break.

Back Together

Dea came home Saturday night, just in time to make it to bowling. He was super tired from all the driving but he was a real trooper.

I had to work yesterday and again, let me stress, Team 3 is a workout! Nobody should EVER work Team 3, 2 days in a row.

We had a resident pass away on Tuesday. This is not something I can write about because I feel a certain sense of responsibility for her death. I have learned so much being a CNA. I realized I am not perfect..GO FIGURE. I am going to make mistakes but they are hard for me to swallow. I need to be more diligent. My goal is to earn the reputation that I know my job, anyone can come to me for the correct answer, and I am a good worker. A couple of CNA's have earned this rep, and I strive to be just as good.

Christmas is this weekend. I am having an internal struggle. I really don't want to be alone. When Dea was at his Mom's for Thanksgiving, I didn't mind...I had to work. But I really don't want to be alone again. I want to be with my family, snuggled on the couch, maybe play games...just enjoying each other. The problem is Dea's dad called him and asked when will he be down cause he needs help with a truck. Dea feels compelled to go. I guess we will see what happens.

Positiveness

I realized this morning how negative and ridiculous I sound. I am constantly complaining. Who in the heck will ever want to read what I have to say when I am feeling sorry for myself? So, today a little bit of positiveness!

Jeff is doing FABULOUS! He almost has straight A's and is working towards becoming an unbaptised publisher. I have waited for this day since I came into the truth. Well actually that isn't right. I have waited for this day since I gave myself the confidence to teach my children what I know and believe in so that they may make a decision for themselves. Jeff has such love for Jehovah.

Destiney is working hard to overcome her trials. And trust me, there are a lot! I wish she didn't make things so difficult on herself. Breaks my heart.

Brandon and Madie are a pair! They wear me down. Constantly fighting and bickering. One knows better and MORE than the other.

Katie, still my sweetie. She practices her reading more and more everyday.

Today I turn over a new leaf. Do for others, not because of the time of year. But because the other day I seen an interview of a man who wrote a Thank You letter everyday for a year. Maybe if I do that, others will have an understanding of SUSAN. Some say I am intimidating..I'm really not.

Venting

Just a quick need to vent..

Why doesn't my family kiss my ass...What I mean by this is, my life was difficult enough as a child. My mom should be asking me what can she do to stay in my life. My dad, I just want him to be there. I'm loosing faith in my dad. I NEVER thought I would ever say that.

On a side note, I am gonna try really hard to just focus on the kids tonight.

I sound like I'm 12 and I hate my parents for that!!

Busy!

Gosh... Busy is an understatement...
I've had so many things that I've wanted to blog about but when it comes to the moment I have time, I am so tired.

Hubby is gone for the week. So that means I have to do everything. I give him props for all he does. I really don't get anything done. And if I do decide to do something I'm constantly against the clock.

Dea went and visited my dad. I am really jealous of this because I haven't seen my dad in a year and I haven't talked to him in 3 months. My dad thinks everything is fine. But me..NOT talking is NOT okay! He doesn't have a clue what life is like.
Work is difficult right now because I keep making little mistakes and theses mistakes are not little in the big scheme of things.
I don't want to learn my job by making mistakes.

The kids, right now they don't care and I don't know what to do. Destiney sent me this horrible txt. She is going to her dad's for 10 days and I'm concerned what will she be like when she returns this time.

On a positive note.
I did turn in my nursing application for Nursing school to DATC. I couldn't stop smiling. What a mile stone overturned..

Invisibility

Apparently because I don't celebrate holidays I have turned invisible and have no feelings.

I'm pretty sure my family resents me for my religion. Why can't I be looked at like a strong, independent woman, who can make decisions for herself. Why am I judged for being different? Why did my dad call my husband and not me? Why did my dad HAVE to tell me he was going to my cousins house for dinner? Why am I alone? Why did my husband go to his Mom's, only to be unhappy?

Can anybody give me an answer?

Patho Test

Today I took a Patho test.
Before the test I was so nervous. I said, "How is everyone doing so well? I feel like I am floating". Callie took the test and got 92. WOW! I was so nervous for her because for last few days she had been listening to me and that never happens, she ALWAYS teaches me.
I went and took the test after a NOT so comfortable with my husband and ROCKED it!

90...WHOA. It was funny cause I covered my eyes, like "I don't want to see" But then whoa. I DID IT. Oh My Gosh.

I texted my friend and she was happy too
Hubby picked me up and he was so mad at me.
I was studying with this guy Chris, and my husband went off the deep end. I feel horrible that my actions caused him grief and heartache. What was I thinking? It won't happen again. I'm so sorry baby.And let me clarify, nothing happened but study.

Being married is hard. and more, is raising 5 kids.
I got school, work, I am married and I have kids. Who else can do this?

I have a friend who just broke up with her boyfriend and honestly I was relieved. They were talking about kids, and marriage. but all I could think about, (while I was supporting her being happy) is don't let anything interfere with school.
I got pregnant at 18, had my son at 19. 6 months later I was pregnant with my second child. This didn't mean school was in it for me. I had three jobs. And I was on welfare. I didn't have a man supporting their kids or helping me with diapers and formula. Thank goodness my grandma watched the kids while I worked. But on the days I didn't have childcare, I took them to work. Let me tell you, your boss kinda frowns on bring your kids to work day.

My point is, sometimes we HAVE to put ourselves first. I'm putting myself first by studying every chance I get and working when I can. When a boy says you will be unhappy for two years because your pursuing your dream, he has his head so far up his ass that he forgot what it's like to truly want someone to be happy.

Being a nurse for me is all I've wanted. When I gave birth to my first child, I remember thinking I want to be a nurse, because if not, then I will be having a bunch of kids. Turns out I STILL have a bunch of kids but I still want to be a nurse.

No one will be in the way of my dream!!!!!!

Age

I work at an Assisted Living place in Ogden. One of my friends recommended I apply there. She raved how much she loved the people who work there and the residents.
Getting a job wasn't easy, I called and called for two months before another supervisor eventually noticed me but only because my friend dropped my name. I was basically hired because of her, which I am soo thankful.

Working here has been a blessing. I have realized many things about myself, for instance; being a nurse is definitely for me. And all my hard work is paying off. Yes, I have also realized that like at every job there is drama. Drama with co-workers, management, etc.

Within 6 weeks of employment I was promoted to a Team Leader position; in which after two months, I lost due to med-errors. This for me is humiliating. My head manager said he really wanted me in that team leader position (knife to the heart). I felt stupid, embarrassed, like a child standing in timeout, why wasn't I more careful. Did I take this for granted? Was I puffed up with pride?
Well whatever the reason, I fell down, and when I stand up, I WILL stand TALLER!
I WANT my position back.

O.M.G.

Today my girlfriend and I went to talk to uor professor and he was totally making me blush. He said that in Sunday he is having a study group with some other students where he just basically quizes us on the information. My friend thinks I do better when she asks me questions and he thought of me. I was totally blushing because HELL YEAH I want to go. Sudy time with the guy who knows it all.

Just one problem, my Anniversary is Sunday. How can I go, But how can I not go?

Anxiety?

How many years have I tried to convince myself that I don't need help with my anxiety? OMG...who the heck knows. I try so hard to keep it all together and no matter what I have still ended up in an office getting some meds. What does this mean?
Am I a person who can't hold it together, have I failed? If someone was going though what I am would I being saying anything but It's okay and it doesn't mean squat.

It is hard always caring about what others think.

Guess what? It will NEVER change!

Test, Test, Test!

So, yesterday I spent my day at the testing center studying untill I couldn't take it anymore. I felt nervous and at a loss for time.

I did horrible. I didn't even pass. I look like a dumbass to my peers. I feel like a moron. Why can't I EVER do as well as my friends? When do I get to walk out and tell my friends I did it, I did as good as you. :(

Maybe NEVER!

One thing I do know is I'm damn good with my residents...I may not test well but my residents trust me and want me to help them when I'm there. I wish I was living my dream, I want to be a nurse so bad!!!!

STRESS!

What an understatment!

My hubby is traveling. (Sometimes he has to leave for work) When he is gone my life is thrown upside down and backwards. I have asked him not to be gone on Thursdays because I have school from 8-1:15 and then right to work at 2. Well he's gone. The kids have been OK, and tomorrow I am keeping them home. Not because for any other reason than I'm not sure how to pick them up from school. I know, I'm not going to win the Mother of the Year Award but I had to. Hubby asked his mom to come and stay with me and she said no, She didn't see why she needed to come up here (3 hrs from her house) when I could just take the day off. I was REALLY hurt when I heared this. When is what I'm doing important? I work my tail off, and I deserve help, I deserve Understanding, I deserve someone to be sensitive to my wants. I want to work and go to school. I want to be with my kids, I want to be a nurse, I want a supportive family.

My friends are coming tonight to hang and watch a movie, They just got married in March but they are sooo understanding, and best of all, they TOLORATE my kids and chaos they bring. (Sometimes they leave with a headache, but they NEVER tell me)I wish family was supportive as my friends are!

How much more can I do?

Hi Everyone,
I'm VERY new to blogging...My friend blogs and I love reading the things behind the scenes. I talk with my friend everyday but some stuff she writes lets me really in to her thoughts. I got to thinking, I have A LOT of thoughts, and maybe someone is out there who can relate to tmy crazy life of chaos....

So here goes!

My name is Susan, I have been married for many year...12, and we have 5 children. I had 2 children when we got married and my hubby loves them bith as his own...More to come on that. I am also a full time student, trying to obtain my RN. One last thing, I work as a CNA at an Assisted Living Center...Whew. that was alot.

Today I want to talk about school, the easiest decision I Ever made for myself, yet it is the most difficult thing I've ever done. I think being a mom is MUCH easier. Sometimes I want to quit but when it comes down to it, I can't imagine quitting. I am the most determined woman out there.

Being a nurse has been my dream since I was 19, and now I'm in my 30's. I have been going to school for two years and I have the longest road ahead of me. I FINALLY have the opportunity to apply to a nursing program, but I know I won't get in. I have a ton of B's and my GPA is teetering on a 3.0