Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Nurse vs. Patient

I don't know where to start...My last post was last Sept. I put my soul out there and talked about my first hospital stay.So much has happened since then. February 11, 2015 I was still on the pump that delivered my medicine subcutaneously...The pain I experience was horrid. Panic attacks occurred every time I had to do a site change. And forget it if the site was hitting a nerve. I had to change it again and the panic set in all over again. Well that is what happened when I did this site change. I couldn't take it. I told Dea to call Dr. Ivestor and get me in. I had a complete emotional and physical breakdown. Dr. Ivestor was so compassionate. I was a direct admit into the ICU for a right heart cath to see where we were as far as the pressure in my heart. The results were awesome. My pressure was low. We then decided to do away with the subq administration and have a Hickman place, a central line. This was hopefully gonna get rid of the horrid pain and panic attacks. YAY. I was in the hospital for a week. UGH. Let me tell you, it was definitely different being a nurse this time. I knew what the job entailed and knew when the job wasn't being done correctly. When I was in the ICU I had the best night nurse! Her name was Kelli, I had her 3 nights in a row and man was I thankful. The day nurses I had made me feel terrible. So here I am with a Swan in my neck, and I was taking no I'm not going to the bathroom on a bedpan, please just unplug all theses wires. One nurse made me feel like I totally put her out to help me up. Made me feel guilty too. I learned I am allergic to Vancomycin. I ended getting Red Man Syndrome, and had the worst abdominal cramps like I was literally have a baby. I was crying, panting, and for the first time rated my pain a 10/10. I then went to the floor. First thing I did was take a much needed shower. They hooked me up to tele. ok all is good. Until a cna comes in my room, no introduction, sticks her hand down my gown, and I was like.... WAIT.. Who are you and what the hell are you doing? "Oh I'm changing your tele leads". K please never come back. Next thing is I was in a ton of pain from the Hickman being placed, I took a pain pill every 4 hours and had an ice pack on. No nurse ever did a pain re-assessment.The only person who DID do a pain re-assessment was a nurse in the Residency program, I was so proud of her.nOne cna I asked to keep my ice pack refilled, but I probably wouldn't call out... Yea I never saw her again or had my ice pack refilled. When I was discharged I was running out of there. This is the hospital that I most trust, yet it was a terrible stay. I know sometimes I come home not feeling like I was the best nurse I could've been. This makes me do better the next time. I hate being a patient. I never saw my life ending up like this. I wish I had more to give. I am so very thankful for this life and blessed. I can't believe I am a nurse and I get to change lives, maybe inspire, maybe teach too. I hope I get to do it for a long time

Saturday, September 6, 2014

1 year Survived

I have not blogged for over a year. The year has been full of twists and turns that I've just focused on the now. Not writing about it. 
A year ago I was diagnosed with Severe Pulmonary Hypertension. Many people have not even heard of this. But for me it took me by storm. A year ago today.. Sept 6th, Friday. I went to see a pulmonologist. Nervous about the appt cause I had no idea what he did. I went for a 6 min walk, couldn't get very far without feeling like passing out. Dea and I sat in his office as he crossed his legs and told me I had 3 weeks to live, maybe 6 months. I still have the vision in my mind. a total out of body experience. Dea and I cried. The Dr. left the room to arrange for me to have a right heart catheterization and we cried for probably 20 minutes, Dea and I. The Dr. told me I needed to give up school and work. I yelled at him and said he could take work away from me, that was fine, but he won't take school away from me. I will become a nurse!
 I remember going into the cath lab, which for me was cool cause being in awe of everythingmedical, he told me I was gonna get a swan inserted in my neck to measure the pressures in the right side of my heart. Anyways, sometime during the procedure, I heard him say "Grab a bed, we're going to ICU". WTH? I don't remember much. I did make a few notes
Friday Sept 6th, went to dr. Iverster, could only walk 250 ft and o2 dropped to 85 when walking for 6 min. Went to the cath lab, pulmonary pressure was 103/66, normal is 25/15. admitted straight to ICU with a swan ganz in place. art line attempted 3 times no luck. brachial draw for abg's. 
Sept 7th art line attempted again for a total of 9 times. Got to see the girls
Sept 8, was told I need a heart/lung transplant. World starting to fall apart, do I need to start writing letters to my family and loved ones? Not a great day at all.
Sept 9th got swan taken out and art line. Little nervous to move to cvtu. had a PICC line, that SUCKED!!!!!!!!! thru SVT at 205 bpm for 10 min, tried to vagal, no luck, they gave adenosine. felt like an elephant on my chest. Not good. stayed an extra night in ICU.
Sept 10 finally moved to cvtu, the girls came and i got to do homework. i was afraid to go to sleep so dea stayed the night with me.
Sept 11, it was announced last night in Kingdon Hall that I was in the hospital, a few visitors came, so nice to see familiar faces. kids came to do homework.
Sept 12, went up on med to 6 ng. makes me feel awful. Its an unexplainable awful. I have jaw pain and absolutely no energy. I'm now that lady who has to drink boost...Chocolate :) I did a little bit more for cardiac rehab, went for a walk around the unit, trying to work up to stairs. The staff has been great, for the most part they let me keep my dignity and independence. I smell awful cause I sweat so much. yuck. I'm angry today cause it's not fair I'm not at school. All I can focus on is how much am I missing and how far am behind I am going to get…
Sept 13. Today is so far a good day. Carl and Holly came and we signed my no blood card. Dea is my #1 and Carl is my #2. I am so relieved to finally have this done. I think for a while I was avoiding doing this because that solidifies me being willing to die or willing to do everything to save my life .But I feel relieved and proud of myself and so very proud of my husband for being my number one. You see Dea has always been my number one, and sometimes I think I forget that. 
Sept 17. Went up on the flolan. Super awful headache today. And bad news. Even though my dad is here. I just want to sleep the day away
Sept 18. Remodulin rep is here tons and tons of information to take in. But I'm off the flolan and on the remodulin. I feel a sense of freedom. Hoping to go home Friday 
Sept 19 at this point I'm just ready to go home. Had Dea take everything down and start packing it up. Cami came over yesterday and we finished some stuff for school. 
Sept 20. Discharge papers are written. I'm so looking forward to getting back to some kind of normalcy. I want to study, sit with the kids and make love to my husband. The Luke Bryan concert is tonight and have decided not to go. Hardest decision because this was Destiney and my night. Feeling a bit selfish but I don't care. Bri and Taylor came with the girls. Made the night a little easier. 
Sept 26 Developed a major rash on my chest and abd. Yesterday I went to rehab and were thinking I'm having a reaction from the LED stickers. Went to Ivester, he says I'm clear for the spleen surgery, but if there are any complications that I may loose my spleen, except that the spleen helps fight infection so I'm thinking I need it. He also sent a request for me to go to the U for evaluation for the lung transplant. Oh yea got handicap plates yesterday, now I'm that girl. 
OCt 2, had spleen embolism done. Pain was uncontrolled. had a migraine, was admitted 
Oct. 9 was admitted in to the hospital for dehydration Marijo came and had me sign off that my psych clinacles are complete. I'm tired. I just want to sleep. 
Oct 10 came home, missed another test

This is what I have kept track of. After all this happened, I finished school and passed boards and even got a job on my unit. 
Dea and I are closer than ever. We starting building a house, I decided to finish my dream and get my BSN. A friend of mine suggested I write a book. Not sure I want to do that. 

I've learned some incredible things in this past year. I take everyday for what it is. I try to be up building and encouraging. I take my time and do what I can. 
I want to take this time say thank you to my entire nursing class for being there and doing so much for my family and I when all this happened. I want to thank my family for their strength. It's a crazy beautiful life.....

Friday, August 30, 2013


What! Where has time gone? I am in my last semester of nursing school. Yesterday marked the beginning of the end. What a weird day. I was not feeling well at all. I have this horrible cough, and hated to be disturbing everyone. We have a ton to do this semester before precepting starts. I have been assigned to precept at LDS Hospital on Labor and Delivery. I NEVER thought that would happen, I had heard so many rumors that Marijo doesn't let anyone unless they are exceptional in class, well we all know that wasn't me. But I hope I showed heart. Maybe that's what got me through. Today is also day 22 of the healing process of my surgery, things are looking good, unfortunately I don't have a picture. I have received many compliments on how skinny I look and of course it's great to hear. Just wish I felt better. I had had this cough for two weeks and have taken two rounds of antibiotics. I cannot take anymore antibiotics! Let's just say my drive train is a little messed up. :(. I went to the Dr. Tuesday, and she thought I had a blood clot. She sent to McKay for a CT Scan, with contrast. At first I was against this because I just didn't think I had one, then she tells me that nurses make the worst patients, screw you doc, I'll get it. :/ Well turns out I don't have a blood clot, but they found a few other things. If you read this please keep this confidential...I document this for my own records as well. Anyways, I was told that I have Pulmonary Hypertension, a nodule in my right upper lung, and an aneurysm in my spleen. Of coarse I had a total collapse of medical knowledge, and had no idea what any of this meant. A friend suggested I call Marijo, my RN coordinator and she explained it to me in terms I understood. She also suggested I get a second opinion. I have an appointment to get an echocardiogram on Tuesday and an appointment with a specialist for my spleen. I also have an appointment with a Dr., Marijo suggested for a second opinion. I got this diagnosis on Tuesday the 27th. I could not sleep that night, I cried and cried. Wondering if I was even gonna wake up in the morning. I had so many what if's going through my mind. I txted a dear friend of mine and she said the sweetest things to me. I woke up in the morning thankful to be awake...and everyday I am still thankful I wake up. I refuse to let my health get the best of me. I have too many goals I am aiming to accomplish. One thing that is on my mind is precepting so far from home. I wish I was at McKay or Ogden-Regional. But I hate to take the spots of the young ladies assigned there. I'm tired, I really just want to sleep. WIth the humidifier next to me. I just want to be better. And guess what... I will be fine!
This is the text from a dear friend... XO

Tuesday, August 20, 2013


As a parent, you get the opportunity to to experience a new aspect of life, but through your kids. My journey with my 5 kids are all so different. They are all different from each other. Jeff is growing into this young man before me. It's AMAZING to watch. Next week, he actually starts college...COLLEGE, are you kidding? Where as the time gone. Ugh how I've hated people tell me through the years to be there and take nothing for granted because it goes so fast...I had no idea the cliche' would have such a moment of impact on me. Jeff got scholarships, he has a full time job, he says he's not ready to be in a relationship, he's just being Jeff. How lucky am I to be the mom of this young man! How lucky indeed. 
Now Des, 16 and every bit a 16 year old. Des started school today, a junior. A JUNIOR! This summer she experienced her first heartbreak. And honestly my heart breaks with her. You never forget you first heartbreak, your first love. As you read this I bet you are remembering your first love. But as a mom, I am feeling protective, sad and, most of all heartbroken with her. Being a mom is the most trying, tasking, rewarding, loving, and blessed role I could have. I can't imagine any of my kids not living next to me. It's my worst fear. I truly believe that my first role is to parent and I've never lost sight of that, but there are times that we have a friendship, and let me tell ya... Those are my most cherished moments! 

Friday, August 16, 2013

Recovery Day 8

Recovery has had it's ups and downs that's for sure. Dea stayed with me downstairs for three nights, which was pretty incredible of him. He set his alarm every 2 hours for me to take my pain pills. There is something wrong with my voice, it seems when I try to talk louder I can't. I have this high pitched tone come out that nobody can hear. I can't cough of coarse and when I do it's agony. My sides and back hurt where the lipo was done. I can finally  shower tomorrow, although I am nervous.  My stomach feels so weird to touch. I'm getting pretty sick of sleeping in the recliner. I've been asked if I regret having the surgery, the answer is I don't know yet but recovery is lengthy and miserable

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Life update

School is finally over, and has been out for about a week. And I passed RN1. It was not anywhere near easy. I cried to me dad on the phone, sobs of tears expressing my fear of failing. But in the end I pulled thru just like everyone said I would and I raised my grade tow letter grades. What an accomplishment. I have the most amazing team of friends behind me, supporting me. Since school has been out I have not done much of anything, not even cook or clean. I have, however started reading a book. I hardly see Dea which has pretty much sucked but he has to work while he can. The boys are going hunting this year and we need all the help we can get financially. Jeff is still working his heart out. I can't believe that in a few short weeks he will be starting college. This boy makes me so proud. As do all my kids but for now this is Jeff's accomplishment. I have big news... On Thursday I am FINALLY getting a tummy tuck. I have dreamed of this day for SOOOO long. My dad helped with some of the cost, and Dea will be there every step of the way. A few people know about this life change for me, but only those that are close to me. I hate when people say I don't need it. How would they presume to know what I need. I am nervous for the pain but I will have to remind myself that I will no longer have this flab in front of me. I will document the experience and hopefully it will be awesome to go back and read. LOL. I am excited for the last semester of school to begin, the last leg of the journey is almost here...

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

2 Weeks left of RN1

It has been a crazy, crazy semester, and none of it has been easy. I had my clinicles at IMC and Davis Hospital. IMC was fabulous. I met some great nurses and enjoy my time there, not to mention Beth and I carpooled and that meant "girl time". Then I had to go to Davis, and honestly I was nervous. I was pretty sure that my Instructor Nancy HATED me. I accidentally asked her why she was immature on a paper we hand in weekly. In my defense, I wasn't REALLY trying to make such a statement, but ask a question pertaining to chronic drug users. But it turns out that Nancy didn't hold a grudge against me and my last day is tomorrow. ... I can't believe my last day is tomorrow for clinicals,next  adventure is a couple of Psych rotations and the PRECEPTING!!!!! Hallelujah!! You have no idea how my heart skips a beat thinking about being this close to completing nursing school. 
I have struggled this semester with my Med/Surge class. I had to miss a day for Jeff's graduation, and boy did that screw me. On that test I missed the most I've ever missed on a test and was puton academic   contract. Scared the crap out of me. I was told that the worst case scenario would be to re-do Med/Surge to include clinicles. Are you kidding me!! NO WAY! Worse was when she said I would not go on in August and I would have to re-start in January and go another 2 semesters!!!! At this point, I'm terrified. I have to get my act together and pull through. I must have talked to Marijo 4 times on the phone and we drove to Lava to study with Camille. Turned out to be one of the best weekends ever, I took my test last Monday and freakin nailed it, 90! BOO YAH! Then today we had another test... 99! WHAT!!! Best feeling ever. 
The next hurdle is Monday, the last Med/Surge test of the semester and I want to go into the final with a passing grade. I deserve this. I want this more that anyone else! And I can't imagine gong through nursing school without my class. 

Now on to life update, Jeff got a job working at Mountain Ridge, they love him. He is reliable and willing to help and learn. Des is at her dad's for 3 weeks, which I think is good cause we both needed a break. She's trying to exercise her independence while I'm still trying to hold on, normal stuff. Dea got a second job. And I am scheduled to get an abdominoplasty (i.e. Tummy Tuck) August 8th. Pretty dang excited for that. Things are getting better. I feel good too. It's nice for a change to be happy. :)