PN 1 Semester

Today was the last day of this semester. I took my fundamentals final and really felt horrible about it, turns out I did better on it than I did on Lifespan. I passed this semester with 2 A's and a B+. I feel so damn relieved. Today has been emotional. I kept to myself. I didn't want to share my score or talk about someone else's test. The stress is overwhelming, and to try to make another person feel better doesn't help me to feel better so I just kept quiet. I don't want to be compared to you. Yes I am happy for you but being a nurse is about me.
Next semester I am going to study a lot more. I don't want to feel then like I do now. I want the confidence, and I don't believe it's healthy to doubt yourself all of the time.
Listen I have dreamed of this for forever, and I did it... I made it through my first semester of nursing school. GO ME!!

Death, Dying, Depression, and Suicide

Not the best title for my post but this is what I got to listen to for 7 hours on my very last day of actual class today. I'm sad, and thinking about personal stuff in my life that I really try to squish down most of the time. I realized today that this subject is so important in nursing. Most individuals think of healing people and helping people to get better but what about the latter? I really don't have a problem with death, but with that being said, it's hard for me to comfort others who are the family members. Death is sad and tragic and sucks. But I can't say that out loud. On a lighter note, today was my last day of actual class of my first LPN year. How surreal is that??? IT'S AMAZING, that's how it is. I feel incredibly blessed to be where I am. I can't wait for it to be January. Because when I say I'll be a nurse in May, and have my RN in Dec, it will that much closer. I'm living the dream, REALLY, I AM!!!

Friends

In nursing school the key to getting through is prioritizing. On day one, we were thrown so much at us that I had to sit and organize it all. I even color coded my schedule with my classes, test, quizes, labs, passoffs, and clinicals. It was CRAZY. Then next, I had to figure out how to handle learning. I had this misconception that nursing school was one long class...then it became three classes. That helped, okay I'm taking three classes. Next, when and how to study. I am actually still trying to figure this one out. The test in nursing school are like no other tests, and they test you to prepare you for NCLEX Boards. The point of this blog is to remind myself that my priority needs to be ME. BUT...DO you have any idea how dang hard it is to do. People are telling me to not worry about anything else but ME. So here is the new priortized list.. God, Me, School, Family, Friends. If I spend as much on studying as I do worrying about others then I would be acing nursing school.. (Callie, 2012)I'm gonna test this theory...Sorry Friends.. We will talk soon! Love you

Breaking down

We had the hardest test today, fluid and electrolytes. It doesn't matter how much I studied cause I obviously don;t the know info after my score. Here's the thing, It's freaking embarrassing. And I truely wish people would stop posting about theire grades, I know you are bragging about how well you do but you're killing my spirit. I'm done, I'm blocking all of you that post about your damn grades. I don't care and I find it pretty rude of you. ALso I'm done with Facebook for now. I can't deal with your crap let alone my own. I just need and want to be alone. YEP...MAJOR BREAKDOWN!!!

ARGGG...

Dang it! What is my problem. This week was not so stressful. I had a test Wednesday in postpartum, and because I either studied too much or my job got in the way, I got a rather low score. Everyone kept asking me questions and I think I helped them, but I didn't help myself at all. I need someething. But what? I'm going away this weekend, good or bad, I'm not sure but I have got to chill. I need to re-group. I need to be around my peeps and feel good about myself. I need my husband to be home taking care of the kids so I can study. You have no idea how hard it is to tune out all the noises in my house. Jeff has his iphone radio on, the girls are playing, Brandon has two televisions on, and Destiney wants to talk about anything and everything. AHHHHH.... My mind is racing. Why do they have to be off school??? J/K Can someone just put a tube in me and feed me all the info I need? K thanks bye

10-4...Roger that!

Ha Ha I think I'm so funny. Today I had day 3 of clinicles. Not a bad in general. I had a good nurse but she didn't really have time to talk to me about anything. I did however administer 2 sub-Q injectons into the abdomen of two different patients. It wasn't like anything I expected. When I gave the second shot the patient stated it didn't even hurt. Yay me! I needed to write an assessment today but totally forgot half of the information I needed. Duh. Tomorrow, obtain more info for assessment. I'm tired. this week is rather crazy. Mon, Tues, Wed, school, Wed drive to Bountiful for pt assessment, go to McKay for infant massage class, then go home and spend 3 hrs writing it all up. Got to bed at 12am, woke up at 4 am for clinicals today. Tomorrow, clinicles, then work 5-9, Sat, study all day, work 5-9, Sunday, study. Mon-test, Tues-test, wed-quiz, Thurs and Fri-clinicles. Sat work-17L. Yep this is me... See you all some day soon!

Nursing School Blues

You know that girl that sits in class and she is smart,and cute, and funny, and everything just seems easy to her? Well I want desperately to be her. I feel like absolute crap after today's test. I have lost my mojo. I have lost my ability to reason, to have perspective. I've lost what I know. I feel incompetent, unworthy, jealous. I should have nailed this test today, I studied every chance I got but NOO, not me. I need a pep talk, some reassuring words from those around me that know me and know why I should be a nurse. Is anyone out there...Any one?

Clinical's

This past week I had my VERY first ever clinical expierence. I went to Lakeview Hospital in Bountiful. Not too horrible of a drive, in fact the mornig is quite peaceful. The drive home...Not so much. My first day of clinicals wasn't the best. My nurse barely spoke to me. I felt so out of place and lost. I felt like an intrusion. I felt..terrible. That was my morning. In the afternoon I got to go watch a Tunnel Dialysis Catheter Placement. Much more interesting, AND the nurses spoke to me trying to teach what and why they were doing things. One nurse asked me to "Spike the Bag", which of coarse I'm not able to do because I have no IV training, but I thought that was pretty neat.. ha ha spike the bag. I'm learning cool little lingo. Ya know, real nursing stuff. ha ha. The next day I was sent to Same Day Surgery. I went through the entire day with one patient through admitting, surgery, PACU, and discharge. No it wasn't the most exciting procedure, but for the patient having a breast biopsy it was. I kept in mind my patient and her care, weather it was a not so cool procedure or an evasive procedure, it did not matter. What mattered was my patient. Every nurse walked and talked me through each step. PACU was the most interesting for me because it was the nurse doing everything she could to get MY patient's pain to a tolorable level for her. Comfort. Care. Concern. I will be forever changed now that I am in nursing school. Who wouldn't be. But I get teary eyed because I am finally here. Yes let's not fool ourselves, it is so hard and I haven't found what works for me as far as studying goes but I'm not alone either. All I can do is my best, yes sometimes I can even improve that, but at least I'm trying.

Self doubt SUCKS!

So here we are at the end of the second week of nursing school, the second week people. I have expierenced an influx of emption. I kinda hate it. Dea left 3 days into school starting and for the most part it hasn't been too bad. Well ok besides the kids running around screaming and fighting while I'm trying to take at home test. The kids are doing their best to help me with each other and taking on more responsibility while I check out and study. But OMG, my house is sooo gross. I have to tell myself that it will probably come to the point when I will have to sacrifice a shower so I may have to sacrifice the house up keep. GROSS. I've been finishing working the weekend shifts, boy am I tired. I have worked the last two weekends friday and saturaday nights. Sunday I feel mushy and drained, no will power to study. This week is clinicals. CLINICALS. Callie has talked of clinicals for two years now I get to. Friday I had a breakdown and actually spoke the words "I can't do ths." I have never said that. If you know me or read my blog, you know I have always said that I will be a nurse! Saturday a friend of mine came to me and said she was jealous I was in. At that moment I started getting teary eyed and remember what it was like to feel that way, and say that to EVERY other person in before me. So I'm gonna suck it up. NO MORE COMPLAINING. I have been through much worse and getting through nursing will not be the thing that breaks me. Screw that!! So Attention all haters... I am not going anywhere!!

Sinking in

It's amazing how sleep helps you focus.Yesterday was such a whirl wind of a day for me.1st-orientation2nd-pay tuition and buy books (ouch)3rd- go home and try to organize4th-get called into work and drop everything!5th-get kids off to school before I even attempt to lay down6th- finally...SleepI woke up and the kids were home from school, I was so exciterd to hear all about their first day. Katie started 1st grade. Madie 3rd grade. Brandon 8th grade. Destiney 10th grade, and finally Jeff is a SENIOR. (officially)Amazingly I don't have very much paperwork to sign.. hmmI thought a lot last night,(in between all the crying babyies in the nursery, and being split between patients on both 100 and 200 side) I cried a few times to some friends with caring ears. But today I feel GREAT. I don't have to wait very long to start school. My anticipation is turning into excitment. My fear is turning into a positive attitude that I'm gonna kick butt in school. What's really given me the most peace is, I decided to work only on-call, NOT part-time. Destiney reaction to me starting school on Monday made me realize that there is NO WAY IN HELL that I can do all this and be a good MOM. I pride myself in beign a mom. Destiney said she felt I was abandoning her. My heart broke. Soo.. I'm going to sacrifice work for my kids. I just pray that what time I have spent on the floor has made a good enough impression to make a difference, and in the end I will get an RN job on my dream floor. I will continue to finish some weekend shifts until 9/15 but after that I will work one shift every other week. My hubby is the best and wants to help me to concentrate on school, and do the best I can do. Raising 5 kids and nursing school should be interesting, and I'm sure you will hear of my failures here, but I have a great support team around me. To think that DECEMBER 2013 I will be... Susan Thayn, RN. (:

So it begins

I got the call today... The call that said "Hey Susan, It's Becky. I haven't talked to you in like a week, so I thought I'd call". lol " Hey Becky", ( in the back of mind I secretely do not have my hopes up that she is going to tell me I'm in for August)"So Susan, are you still interested in starting in August cause your next on the list"? (The alternate list) " Becky, are you kidding me"? "Susan, school starts MONDAY!!!!!" My mom was in my room, and the second I hung up the phone I had no words. My mom and I cried...and hugged...and cried more. How can such a phone change your life? How can one phone call make you dizzy, send chills through your body, make you sweat, and heart palpatations all at once? All my thoughts are overwheling... where do I begin? What do I need? So I call my girl Callie and instantly I'm calm. No worries tonight, I'll worry after orientation tomorrow. Tonight, celebration with my kids and my mom. And a Costco run...LOL

Now what?

Have you ever sat at home, and really wanted to go to do something but all your suggestions are lame? Ugh. I want to go shopping and a movie, but dang I want to just rest... UGH.. So frustrating. I have so much to do now that Dea is home, but he is only home till Saturday, and I work the rest of the week. The kids start school on the 22nd, and I have so much to do to get them ready. I wish I had just one more adult that I could turn to and shout for help. On the lighter side of things, today Callie sold me a few books and her WSU nursing student scrub top. Time is passing so slowly for January to get here but I'm just going to take it day by day. What else can I do? We just got back from our trip on the houseboat... I need something... but what?

I GOT IN!!!

Twice, I have been and Alternate for Davis Applied Technology College. The rumor is, if you get accepted as an alternate once that you will get in the next application. This didn't happen for me. I remember my son calling me at work saying my letter came in the mail, and told him to stop everything he was doing, and bring it to me. I opened right in front of him, first pacing in anticipation with my hopes as high as the clouds. Something in my gut told me to prepare though, cause it wasn't good. I opened the letter, and saw the dreaded YELLOW paper. The yellow paper is the application for Sping semester. My letter read that I had been accepted as an alternate again for the fall semester of 2012. This was a Saturday. I cried. I felt so betrayed, crushed, not good enough. I decided that I was going to get off work Monday morning, and go talk to Becky at DATC, and see why, why not me. Why am I not good enough? Monday morning I am a wreck. Sleep deprived, exhausted, and worst of all vulnurable! Becky got the brunt of my heartache. She went over my points with me, and explained I got a bad reference from my chemistry teacher. I was now lower on the list this time than I was for the class in January 2012. I was number 37, this time I was 39. My thought was I have no chance. Well, weeks passed by and I moved. I moved football fields people. I found out I was number 5. Wow That's amazing. So I powered through, got a new reference, and turned in my application one week before it was due. I sat in my car for and hour and a half debating on whether or not I wanted to put myself through this process anymore. On a Monday I got a call from Becky saying she needed some transcripts from me that were not on file. She wantedt o make sure my application was good because she was leaving soon to have a baby. I got my transcripts and gave her a call Wednesday afternoon, July 10, 2012. She asked me if I was getting ready for Spring semester, which I guess I didn't hear her say cause I was completely thrown off saying I was done with everything. Then WAIT...... did she say SPRING??? "Susan, I know the results of your application. Would you like me to tell you?" (WHAT!!! OMG. I do not want to find out over the phone I'm an alternate again but she brought it up. Letters don't go out for 3 weeks!!! EEEEK!!!!) "Becky, You know my results?" "Susan, YOU'RE IN !!!!" CRYING,CRYING,then, MORE CRYING!!! I HAVE BEEN ACCEPTED INTO THE NURSING PROGRAM STARTING JANUARY 2013.. FUTURE NURSE...THAT'S ME

Timeless

I am overwhelmed with emotion and decided I have nothing else to do so why not catch up here and and get it all out of my head. First off, Dea has been traveling for months. When he comes home it's...not that great. How can I be excited, and grateful that he's home when he will just leave again. I feel that I need to keep him entertained or he will leave sooner. I miss him so much. Today I had a complete meltdown. Told him everything. I cried and cried, then cried some more. I know he wants to be with me but when he leaves, how do I believe it. He said he'll be done traveling in August, cause of school. Why not for me? Why can't he be done for me. You may be reading what I'm writing but you have no clue what things are like. I have a friend who talks about being married and precepting for nursing. I'm not even in the program. She talkes how she never sees him. What am I going to do. What if all hell breaks loose and I loose everyone. Everyone only includes my family. I have no friends. They are all busy. And honestly I think they think I'm fine so why bother. I have a friend who is getting married in August, she is so happy. I hate being around her. Her man doesn't leave. Her only concerns are her wedding plans. I try to be positive, try not to seem like my life is a mess. But today isn't that day. I miss my husband sooo much..

Roller coaster ride

When I say roller coaster ride... I mean the last two day have been CRAZY!!

Yesterday There was a shooting right here in the town I live in. Officers were serving a warrent. Confidentality of my job, I will not say much. I will say that the officer that past away was my very good friend, Lauren, her cousin. She was in the ER all night. This officer was shot 3 times. The situation didn't really hit home till I spoke to Lauren. Lauren, my prayers are with you. I'm so sorry.

My dad worked for the Sherriff's department when I was a little girl. I have vivid memories of him getting a call, he would pack his bags, not knowing when he would return. and I would just cry. "Daddy don't leave". He tells me how I tore his heart out everytime he left. What if my dad never came home after a horrible night? What if we never had "WHAT IF'S"?

Second, ride I've been on, I applied for a job in maternity. You've read my posts. My DREAM! Well I got an interview. 28 candidates. I can't believe I'm talking about it, but I'm so excited. I only had a phone interview, 2 questions. and all about confilct. I know confict in the work place is common but why interview me about it? I called my girl Callie, Of coarse. She said it souds like I did good. We'll see. Did I mention it's in SLC. :( I had no idea. What a dumb-butt