RN2

What! Where has time gone? I am in my last semester of nursing school. Yesterday marked the beginning of the end. What a weird day. I was not feeling well at all. I have this horrible cough, and hated to be disturbing everyone. We have a ton to do this semester before precepting starts. I have been assigned to precept at LDS Hospital on Labor and Delivery. I NEVER thought that would happen, I had heard so many rumors that Marijo doesn't let anyone unless they are exceptional in class, well we all know that wasn't me. But I hope I showed heart. Maybe that's what got me through. Today is also day 22 of the healing process of my surgery, things are looking good, unfortunately I don't have a picture. I have received many compliments on how skinny I look and of course it's great to hear. Just wish I felt better. I had had this cough for two weeks and have taken two rounds of antibiotics. I cannot take anymore antibiotics! Let's just say my drive train is a little messed up. :(. I went to the Dr. Tuesday, and she thought I had a blood clot. She sent to McKay for a CT Scan, with contrast. At first I was against this because I just didn't think I had one, then she tells me that nurses make the worst patients, screw you doc, I'll get it. :/ Well turns out I don't have a blood clot, but they found a few other things. If you read this please keep this confidential...I document this for my own records as well. Anyways, I was told that I have Pulmonary Hypertension, a nodule in my right upper lung, and an aneurysm in my spleen. Of coarse I had a total collapse of medical knowledge, and had no idea what any of this meant. A friend suggested I call Marijo, my RN coordinator and she explained it to me in terms I understood. She also suggested I get a second opinion. I have an appointment to get an echocardiogram on Tuesday and an appointment with a specialist for my spleen. I also have an appointment with a Dr., Marijo suggested for a second opinion. I got this diagnosis on Tuesday the 27th. I could not sleep that night, I cried and cried. Wondering if I was even gonna wake up in the morning. I had so many what if's going through my mind. I txted a dear friend of mine and she said the sweetest things to me. I woke up in the morning thankful to be awake...and everyday I am still thankful I wake up. I refuse to let my health get the best of me. I have too many goals I am aiming to accomplish. One thing that is on my mind is precepting so far from home. I wish I was at McKay or Ogden-Regional. But I hate to take the spots of the young ladies assigned there. I'm tired, I really just want to sleep. WIth the humidifier next to me. I just want to be better. And guess what... I will be fine!

This is the text from a dear friend... XO

Heartache

As a parent, you get the opportunity to to experience a new aspect of life, but through your kids. My journey with my 5 kids are all so different. They are all different from each other. Jeff is growing into this young man before me. It's AMAZING to watch. Next week, he actually starts college...COLLEGE, are you kidding? Where as the time gone. Ugh how I've hated people tell me through the years to be there and take nothing for granted because it goes so fast...I had no idea the cliche' would have such a moment of impact on me. Jeff got scholarships, he has a full time job, he says he's not ready to be in a relationship, he's just being Jeff. How lucky am I to be the mom of this young man! How lucky indeed. 

Now Des, 16 and every bit a 16 year old. Des started school today, a junior. A JUNIOR! This summer she experienced her first heartbreak. And honestly my heart breaks with her. You never forget you first heartbreak, your first love. As you read this I bet you are remembering your first love. But as a mom, I am feeling protective, sad and, most of all heartbroken with her. Being a mom is the most trying, tasking, rewarding, loving, and blessed role I could have. I can't imagine any of my kids not living next to me. It's my worst fear. I truly believe that my first role is to parent and I've never lost sight of that, but there are times that we have a friendship, and let me tell ya... Those are my most cherished moments! 

Recovery Day 8

Recovery has had it's ups and downs that's for sure. Dea stayed with me downstairs for three nights, which was pretty incredible of him. He set his alarm every 2 hours for me to take my pain pills. There is something wrong with my voice, it seems when I try to talk louder I can't. I have this high pitched tone come out that nobody can hear. I can't cough of coarse and when I do it's agony. My sides and back hurt where the lipo was done. I can finally  shower tomorrow, although I am nervous.  My stomach feels so weird to touch. I'm getting pretty sick of sleeping in the recliner. I've been asked if I regret having the surgery, the answer is I don't know yet but recovery is lengthy and miserable

Life update

School is finally over, and has been out for about a week. And I passed RN1. It was not anywhere near easy. I cried to me dad on the phone, sobs of tears expressing my fear of failing. But in the end I pulled thru just like everyone said I would and I raised my grade tow letter grades. What an accomplishment. I have the most amazing team of friends behind me, supporting me. Since school has been out I have not done much of anything, not even cook or clean. I have, however started reading a book. I hardly see Dea which has pretty much sucked but he has to work while he can. The boys are going hunting this year and we need all the help we can get financially. Jeff is still working his heart out. I can't believe that in a few short weeks he will be starting college. This boy makes me so proud. As do all my kids but for now this is Jeff's accomplishment. I have big news... On Thursday I am FINALLY getting a tummy tuck. I have dreamed of this day for SOOOO long. My dad helped with some of the cost, and Dea will be there every step of the way. A few people know about this life change for me, but only those that are close to me. I hate when people say I don't need it. How would they presume to know what I need. I am nervous for the pain but I will have to remind myself that I will no longer have this flab in front of me. I will document the experience and hopefully it will be awesome to go back and read. LOL. I am excited for the last semester of school to begin, the last leg of the journey is almost here...

2 Weeks left of RN1

It has been a crazy, crazy semester, and none of it has been easy. I had my clinicles at IMC and Davis Hospital. IMC was fabulous. I met some great nurses and enjoy my time there, not to mention Beth and I carpooled and that meant "girl time". Then I had to go to Davis, and honestly I was nervous. I was pretty sure that my Instructor Nancy HATED me. I accidentally asked her why she was immature on a paper we hand in weekly. In my defense, I wasn't REALLY trying to make such a statement, but ask a question pertaining to chronic drug users. But it turns out that Nancy didn't hold a grudge against me and my last day is tomorrow. ... I can't believe my last day is tomorrow for clinicals,next  adventure is a couple of Psych rotations and the PRECEPTING!!!!! Hallelujah!! You have no idea how my heart skips a beat thinking about being this close to completing nursing school. 

I have struggled this semester with my Med/Surge class. I had to miss a day for Jeff's graduation, and boy did that screw me. On that test I missed the most I've ever missed on a test and was puton academic   contract. Scared the crap out of me. I was told that the worst case scenario would be to re-do Med/Surge to include clinicles. Are you kidding me!! NO WAY! Worse was when she said I would not go on in August and I would have to re-start in January and go another 2 semesters!!!! At this point, I'm terrified. I have to get my act together and pull through. I must have talked to Marijo 4 times on the phone and we drove to Lava to study with Camille. Turned out to be one of the best weekends ever, I took my test last Monday and freakin nailed it, 90! BOO YAH! Then today we had another test... 99! WHAT!!! Best feeling ever. 

The next hurdle is Monday, the last Med/Surge test of the semester and I want to go into the final with a passing grade. I deserve this. I want this more that anyone else! And I can't imagine gong through nursing school without my class. 

Now on to life update, Jeff got a job working at Mountain Ridge, they love him. He is reliable and willing to help and learn. Des is at her dad's for 3 weeks, which I think is good cause we both needed a break. She's trying to exercise her independence while I'm still trying to hold on, normal stuff. Dea got a second job. And I am scheduled to get an abdominoplasty (i.e. Tummy Tuck) August 8th. Pretty dang excited for that. Things are getting better. I feel good too. It's nice for a change to be happy. :)

Nursing school blues

The last 10 months have been such a journey. Up's and down's the the extreme of insanity. Last week was a down, bombed a test, 2 IV's infiltrated, Dea was disappointed with his birthday, no going to Wendover with Beth, fight with Dea, anxious, irritated, and drowning. Did I mention sleep deprived.. Cause yes that's one too! I just am ready to be done. I'm ready to feel and be a confident woman again, not who I am now. I don't want to be her anymore. My in-laws are staying with us and I can't visit with them until Wednesday night cause that's when I'll have a couple of hours to spare, but then I think maybe I don't cause on Thursday I have to work a 12 hour shift and will LOOSE 12 hours to study for this HUGE cardiac test on Monday, that quite frankly I CANNOT afford to fail. Yes this is my thoughts, they suck!. On a positive note Emma Faye was born on friday, she looks like her sissy. Chloe is going to be the best big sister ever. I can't wait till I get to have the time to visit... and cuddle that sweet baby. I haven't loaded my blog with any crap about false impressions of nursing school, for me this is how it is, but at the end of the day I am still so very thankful to be here, and to be able to call myself a nurse. I am an LPN, I've made it this far. With the support and encouragement of some amazing friends and the patience of my family, I will make it.

Susan Thayn, LPN

I took my boards on Wednesday, May 1 at 0800. I figured I better take it as soon as possible so I didn't get too much anxiety over the situation. There were three other girls with me from my class. Which was actually a surprise. Not that I didn't want them there but that I thought all of out times to take the test would be different. Anyways, it is a procedure when you first get in, fingerprint, two pages of what you can't do, picture, phone in a bag, stuff in a locker, Whew, I mean if I wasn't anxious before now I am! Let me tell you, you can't even wear your own watch! So I finally get in there and I'm sat at the perfect spot, ear plugs in and I'm ready... Oop wait, no you have a tutorial first. WHAT, C'mon! OKAY tutorial done, here we go, I got to number 84 and prayed "Please let this misery be over on this next question"... Boom I answered number 85 and pow... It shut off...... OH CRAP.......... COME BACK!!!! Next is waiting for 48 hours. There is nothing that can compare to the wait of whether or not your dreams are about to come true. NOTHING! At 11:20 pm, May 2, I tried again and.............Susan Thayn, LPN. My dreams came true. I have worked so hard for this and can't stop crying. I woke up everyone in my house to tell them. I feel so incredibly blessed.

LPN Test

Yep, I took the dreaded LPN test today. It was awful. Camille, Parker, and Kierstin were there as well. The process was interesting, no watch allowed, they would give you ear plugs, store your belongings in a locker, no allowed to write on the white board till after you finish the tutorial otherwise your test is over for "Brain Dumping", You have to raise you hand when you are done, break after 2 hours and you have 5 hours to take the test. You can have a minimum of 85 questions or a maximum of 205. My test was very hard. I heard so many people say how easy it was the nothing about that test was easy. I think I had 40% of it a select all that apply. Camille felt the same way. On top of it, I was the first one done. if you have ever been in a test center with me you know I never finish first so that has me freaked out even more. I haven't really told anybody. I don't want to have to tell too many people that I did't pass if in fact I don't pass. Now that waiting game is more excruciating than worry about taking the damn thing. I took over 900 questions on the UPrep trying to prepare, did it work, who knows, but on Friday I should know for sure if I am a nurse or not. The best thing about my day is Dea was next to me all day. Well minus when he went golfing with Destiney :-/. But I was glad to just be with him this morning. I will let you know when I know.... EEEKKKK

Graduation

The day of graduation was crazy. First and foremost we had to take the Pharm final. Can you imagine studying for a pharm test? Yea me either. All you can do is hope you pass. After we were done, some of us girls went to get a pedicure just to waste time. We were trying o desperately to relax but it was difficult to say the least. All we could fret over was what we got. Finally we got our grades, we knew we did well and we all jetted the heck out of school. UGH the last day wasn't very relaxing. I did treat myself and got my hair and make up done, Then went back home and hung out. I had the best surprise of my in-laws coming. This was huge for me to have my mother-in-law there. We get to the school and everyone looks fantastic. The graduation was an hour long. Carolyn was our speaker with Seriann and Alecia taking part in the entertainment. Lots of pictures were taken and the crowd was full of supporting friends and family. Callie pinned me, which as you know was such an honor for me. I can't describe that feeling but know it was amazing to have her there..To anyone out there reading my boring blog... I can't wait for the next part of this chapter to begin.. RN year baby, bring it on!!

Out of the shadows!

TOMORROW! TOMORROW is finally LPN graduation. I have feelings of utter aw. It's indescribable how I'm feeling. I am no sad that it's over, and anyone who has been through nursing school knows what I mean, but I am so proud of myself for how far I have come. My parents, in-laws, Kids, Hubby, and friends will be here to celebrate with me. At the best gift of all is, I asked Calle to Pin me. I was so nervous when I asked her. I thought she would think it's corny or that she'd make up an excuse that she was busy. But when I asked, she accepted without hesitation. I feel so honored to have her pin me, so incredibly honored! And thankful! Okay now on to even better news....... I was offered a job today as an LPN!!!!! Holy Moly!!! I never thought I would even work as an LPN getting to use this knowledge that I've gained but I got a very special call today. Guess what friends.... I did it. And thanks for letting me vent all my frustration here. I know the journey isn't over and I'll cry more But in 24 HRS we are done with the LPN year!!!!! WHOOOOO HOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Don't get too excited...

I can't believe I have 6 more days of school of my PN year. There are feelings coming up inside of me that.. well are a bit surprising. I honestly feel as it gets closer that I might sabotage the whole thing and fail. I am nervous about actually doing REAL nursing stuff. It's so hard to put into words but all I know is this sinking feeling inside kinda sucks. Everybody at school has already changed there status to reflect RN students studying at Weber University, but me... I'm just not there. I still need to focus on getting through the next two weeks. The RN semester is crazy expensive and really wanted to not take out a loan, I already so much money and I just have other things I want to be able to purchase after I graduate, like a house. I have a few more days of studying left, so I better make this short cause today is one of em!

I Quit

For the past 18 years I have chased the dream of being a nurse. Like literally chased it. I have never said or though for a moment that I wouldn't be a nurse one day. I was so picky about the school I wanted to attend, I wanted to go to the best school. So now I'm here as you all know, and on Wednesday was the day I actually thought about quitting. I didn't do well on another test, and no matter what I do to study, I just can't seem to get above 80. 80 is all I need. I missed most of the lecture on wednesday on diabetes, and I cried to two of my teachers. I know having this breakdown is normal, but I have never felt like quitting and it kind of scared me. Nursing school sucks! I just want to be done. I want to be working on the floor and helping people. "Hello Mrs. da da da, My name is Susan, and I am your nurse!" What if I screw that up? On a side note, Destiney has a boyfriend. His name is Kaige. He's a pretty good kid, but I'm missing my own kid. I want her to hang with me but she has other things on her mind. Another thing, we're moving. The house we live in is pretty expensive, and only has four bedrooms. We found a house that has 6 bedrooms and is cheaper. It has a white picked fence too. :) I hate moving. I hate packing and I hate unpacking. My dad still isn't talking to me. I called him on his birthday, 4 times. He called me back only to say he would call me saturday. He called saturday but it was to Dea. He never called me. He hasn't spoken to me once this semester. My pinning ceremony is next month and don't see him coming.

Breaking Point

Nothing about what I have going is easy. School is harder than ever and the incompetency I feel about myself is over powering. I struggle to fins time to study, balance home, life, occasionally work, and friendships are non existent. My extended family is not around to support me at all, my extended family I mean, dad, in laws, and brothers. All I have are my kids are my friends who push me through saying I can do this. Some of my friends are nurses who work with me and know my capabilities. My other friends I don't feel have a clue!! My dad's birthday was yesterday, I was going over and over in my mind whether or not to call him because of all the drama and the fact that he hasn't given a rats ass how I'm doing in school. But I called him... 4 times, no answer. But you know who he did answer Dea, and he responded to posts online. One Post was to my Aunt, MY AUNT who DISOWNED me!!!!!!! I cried and cried last night. Taking a few pills crossed my mind. After everything I've been through, I blame myself for my own abuse. Cause if I wasn't abused, the people that I care for most wouldn't blame me either. So I might as well get on the band wagon. I'm so sad, and sad and empty. I have no spark today. He took it all. He's killing me with this slow agonizing death and can't even imagine how much pain and suffering I'm in. My dad is my life... yet OMG I just realized this is the most selfish post ever, and freakin depressing. GOD I hate feeling like this. SCREW you. I'm not gonna let you get me down and take away my sparkle!!!! hahahahaha bachelor reference... I came from nothing, I have felt like a whore when I was 12 years old, was on welfare with 2 kids, but I got myself off. I lived in one bedroom apartment with no heating accept for my oven, and no air-conditioning when it was 110 outside. I got a better job, I got myself off welfare. I found a great guy who is a great dad and husband. I am going through school and have the best job in the world. I did this with perseverance and strength and courage, and determination!!!! You can't say you have a clue until you have walked a mile in my shoes>> AND GO AHEAD I DARE YOU>... You won't make it through like I have!!!!!!!

What's Up...

I absolutely hate the phrase what's up. When someone replies with it to me I automatically just want to say never-mind, forget it, didn't mean to bother you. I really try hard to be kind to all my friends even if I feel irritated or what not, I try not to impose an attitude or make anyone feel bad so I am constantly rewording what I say or write over a txt cause over a txt people can't hear your voice. Everyone txts, this keeps communication to a minimum. You don't have to reply if you don't want to, or keep you on the phone talking trying till fill the dead space of the other person sitting there not saying a word. When people do that to me I start telling them stuff I never wanted to then I regret it and can't take back my words. Ugh I hate that!
I haven't had the best couple of days, needless to say, the girls have been sick, we have a two tests and the information in NOT staying in my brain, I had a Scentsy party that 2 people showed up for when 12 people replied and said they were coming...Talk about freaking embarrassing! I just want to sleep, I want the world to just kinda go away, I just want to disappear. I'm not depressed, just struggling. No worries I won't be a funk for too long just need to relax and focus then I'll feel better. But please if you read this, I would appreciate it if you NEVER replied with What's Up, thanks :-/

PN2

Soo.. Today was the first day of the second semester of LPN. It was good to see everyone again. Some changes were made to the curriculum, NO MORE CONCEPT MAPS!!! This is huge, major, and the best news all day! I do have to say that I'm glad I did at least one so I can experience what people said about it in previous semesters, but so incredibly thankful i don't have to do five of them. Something else I am excited for is Wendy Paul is our instructor. She taught the portion on fluid and electrolytes, and her style of teaching is right up my alley. She draws on the board for visual effect and uses examples for application purposes. I can't wait to take a test and see what I can do in her class. Today we started with a WAY more in-depth health assessment that I have to pass off on Friday. EEEK. On a side note, Destiney started drivers education today. My mom and I are on the same page before the semester even starts. I got the house cleaned and she will try to make sure it doesn't get out of hand so I don't have stress from the mess. So far so good. :)

The Next Chapter

Second semester of LPN starts on Monday. I cannot begin to tell you how happy I am and excited I am. This has been the longest 3 weeks ever.
You would think that I would just relish in my time off and not even think about school, but all I want to do is be in school. I don't need a 3 week break, maybe a week, but not 3 weeks. It is finally January! In May I will be a nurse! I have waited so long for this. I know this is all I write about but who cares, I'm excited.
On a side note, Bri and Callie both found out today that they are expecting a girl. I am so excited. Chloe is gonna be the best big sister ever.
Work is going good, tonight I'm in the nursery and had to assist with a circ, almost forgot what the heck I was doing.
New Years was a blast. Dea and I went to the Outlaw with Jenn and Daniel.
Dea has been so great lately. could not have married a better man! EVER.