I Quit

For the past 18 years I have chased the dream of being a nurse. Like literally chased it. I have never said or though for a moment that I wouldn't be a nurse one day. I was so picky about the school I wanted to attend, I wanted to go to the best school. So now I'm here as you all know, and on Wednesday was the day I actually thought about quitting. I didn't do well on another test, and no matter what I do to study, I just can't seem to get above 80. 80 is all I need. I missed most of the lecture on wednesday on diabetes, and I cried to two of my teachers. I know having this breakdown is normal, but I have never felt like quitting and it kind of scared me. Nursing school sucks! I just want to be done. I want to be working on the floor and helping people. "Hello Mrs. da da da, My name is Susan, and I am your nurse!" What if I screw that up? On a side note, Destiney has a boyfriend. His name is Kaige. He's a pretty good kid, but I'm missing my own kid. I want her to hang with me but she has other things on her mind. Another thing, we're moving. The house we live in is pretty expensive, and only has four bedrooms. We found a house that has 6 bedrooms and is cheaper. It has a white picked fence too. :) I hate moving. I hate packing and I hate unpacking. My dad still isn't talking to me. I called him on his birthday, 4 times. He called me back only to say he would call me saturday. He called saturday but it was to Dea. He never called me. He hasn't spoken to me once this semester. My pinning ceremony is next month and don't see him coming.

Breaking Point

Nothing about what I have going is easy. School is harder than ever and the incompetency I feel about myself is over powering. I struggle to fins time to study, balance home, life, occasionally work, and friendships are non existent. My extended family is not around to support me at all, my extended family I mean, dad, in laws, and brothers. All I have are my kids are my friends who push me through saying I can do this. Some of my friends are nurses who work with me and know my capabilities. My other friends I don't feel have a clue!! My dad's birthday was yesterday, I was going over and over in my mind whether or not to call him because of all the drama and the fact that he hasn't given a rats ass how I'm doing in school. But I called him... 4 times, no answer. But you know who he did answer Dea, and he responded to posts online. One Post was to my Aunt, MY AUNT who DISOWNED me!!!!!!! I cried and cried last night. Taking a few pills crossed my mind. After everything I've been through, I blame myself for my own abuse. Cause if I wasn't abused, the people that I care for most wouldn't blame me either. So I might as well get on the band wagon. I'm so sad, and sad and empty. I have no spark today. He took it all. He's killing me with this slow agonizing death and can't even imagine how much pain and suffering I'm in. My dad is my life... yet OMG I just realized this is the most selfish post ever, and freakin depressing. GOD I hate feeling like this. SCREW you. I'm not gonna let you get me down and take away my sparkle!!!! hahahahaha bachelor reference... I came from nothing, I have felt like a whore when I was 12 years old, was on welfare with 2 kids, but I got myself off. I lived in one bedroom apartment with no heating accept for my oven, and no air-conditioning when it was 110 outside. I got a better job, I got myself off welfare. I found a great guy who is a great dad and husband. I am going through school and have the best job in the world. I did this with perseverance and strength and courage, and determination!!!! You can't say you have a clue until you have walked a mile in my shoes>> AND GO AHEAD I DARE YOU>... You won't make it through like I have!!!!!!!