I Quit

For the past 18 years I have chased the dream of being a nurse. Like literally chased it. I have never said or though for a moment that I wouldn't be a nurse one day. I was so picky about the school I wanted to attend, I wanted to go to the best school. So now I'm here as you all know, and on Wednesday was the day I actually thought about quitting. I didn't do well on another test, and no matter what I do to study, I just can't seem to get above 80. 80 is all I need. I missed most of the lecture on wednesday on diabetes, and I cried to two of my teachers. I know having this breakdown is normal, but I have never felt like quitting and it kind of scared me. Nursing school sucks! I just want to be done. I want to be working on the floor and helping people. "Hello Mrs. da da da, My name is Susan, and I am your nurse!" What if I screw that up? On a side note, Destiney has a boyfriend. His name is Kaige. He's a pretty good kid, but I'm missing my own kid. I want her to hang with me but she has other things on her mind. Another thing, we're moving. The house we live in is pretty expensive, and only has four bedrooms. We found a house that has 6 bedrooms and is cheaper. It has a white picked fence too. :) I hate moving. I hate packing and I hate unpacking. My dad still isn't talking to me. I called him on his birthday, 4 times. He called me back only to say he would call me saturday. He called saturday but it was to Dea. He never called me. He hasn't spoken to me once this semester. My pinning ceremony is next month and don't see him coming.

Breaking Point

Nothing about what I have going is easy. School is harder than ever and the incompetency I feel about myself is over powering. I struggle to fins time to study, balance home, life, occasionally work, and friendships are non existent. My extended family is not around to support me at all, my extended family I mean, dad, in laws, and brothers. All I have are my kids are my friends who push me through saying I can do this. Some of my friends are nurses who work with me and know my capabilities. My other friends I don't feel have a clue!! My dad's birthday was yesterday, I was going over and over in my mind whether or not to call him because of all the drama and the fact that he hasn't given a rats ass how I'm doing in school. But I called him... 4 times, no answer. But you know who he did answer Dea, and he responded to posts online. One Post was to my Aunt, MY AUNT who DISOWNED me!!!!!!! I cried and cried last night. Taking a few pills crossed my mind. After everything I've been through, I blame myself for my own abuse. Cause if I wasn't abused, the people that I care for most wouldn't blame me either. So I might as well get on the band wagon. I'm so sad, and sad and empty. I have no spark today. He took it all. He's killing me with this slow agonizing death and can't even imagine how much pain and suffering I'm in. My dad is my life... yet OMG I just realized this is the most selfish post ever, and freakin depressing. GOD I hate feeling like this. SCREW you. I'm not gonna let you get me down and take away my sparkle!!!! hahahahaha bachelor reference... I came from nothing, I have felt like a whore when I was 12 years old, was on welfare with 2 kids, but I got myself off. I lived in one bedroom apartment with no heating accept for my oven, and no air-conditioning when it was 110 outside. I got a better job, I got myself off welfare. I found a great guy who is a great dad and husband. I am going through school and have the best job in the world. I did this with perseverance and strength and courage, and determination!!!! You can't say you have a clue until you have walked a mile in my shoes>> AND GO AHEAD I DARE YOU>... You won't make it through like I have!!!!!!!

What's Up...

I absolutely hate the phrase what's up. When someone replies with it to me I automatically just want to say never-mind, forget it, didn't mean to bother you. I really try hard to be kind to all my friends even if I feel irritated or what not, I try not to impose an attitude or make anyone feel bad so I am constantly rewording what I say or write over a txt cause over a txt people can't hear your voice. Everyone txts, this keeps communication to a minimum. You don't have to reply if you don't want to, or keep you on the phone talking trying till fill the dead space of the other person sitting there not saying a word. When people do that to me I start telling them stuff I never wanted to then I regret it and can't take back my words. Ugh I hate that!
I haven't had the best couple of days, needless to say, the girls have been sick, we have a two tests and the information in NOT staying in my brain, I had a Scentsy party that 2 people showed up for when 12 people replied and said they were coming...Talk about freaking embarrassing! I just want to sleep, I want the world to just kinda go away, I just want to disappear. I'm not depressed, just struggling. No worries I won't be a funk for too long just need to relax and focus then I'll feel better. But please if you read this, I would appreciate it if you NEVER replied with What's Up, thanks :-/

PN2

Soo.. Today was the first day of the second semester of LPN. It was good to see everyone again. Some changes were made to the curriculum, NO MORE CONCEPT MAPS!!! This is huge, major, and the best news all day! I do have to say that I'm glad I did at least one so I can experience what people said about it in previous semesters, but so incredibly thankful i don't have to do five of them. Something else I am excited for is Wendy Paul is our instructor. She taught the portion on fluid and electrolytes, and her style of teaching is right up my alley. She draws on the board for visual effect and uses examples for application purposes. I can't wait to take a test and see what I can do in her class. Today we started with a WAY more in-depth health assessment that I have to pass off on Friday. EEEK. On a side note, Destiney started drivers education today. My mom and I are on the same page before the semester even starts. I got the house cleaned and she will try to make sure it doesn't get out of hand so I don't have stress from the mess. So far so good. :)

The Next Chapter

Second semester of LPN starts on Monday. I cannot begin to tell you how happy I am and excited I am. This has been the longest 3 weeks ever.
You would think that I would just relish in my time off and not even think about school, but all I want to do is be in school. I don't need a 3 week break, maybe a week, but not 3 weeks. It is finally January! In May I will be a nurse! I have waited so long for this. I know this is all I write about but who cares, I'm excited.
On a side note, Bri and Callie both found out today that they are expecting a girl. I am so excited. Chloe is gonna be the best big sister ever.
Work is going good, tonight I'm in the nursery and had to assist with a circ, almost forgot what the heck I was doing.
New Years was a blast. Dea and I went to the Outlaw with Jenn and Daniel.
Dea has been so great lately. could not have married a better man! EVER.

PN 1 Semester

Today was the last day of this semester. I took my fundamentals final and really felt horrible about it, turns out I did better on it than I did on Lifespan. I passed this semester with 2 A's and a B+. I feel so damn relieved. Today has been emotional. I kept to myself. I didn't want to share my score or talk about someone else's test. The stress is overwhelming, and to try to make another person feel better doesn't help me to feel better so I just kept quiet. I don't want to be compared to you. Yes I am happy for you but being a nurse is about me.
Next semester I am going to study a lot more. I don't want to feel then like I do now. I want the confidence, and I don't believe it's healthy to doubt yourself all of the time.
Listen I have dreamed of this for forever, and I did it... I made it through my first semester of nursing school. GO ME!!

Death, Dying, Depression, and Suicide

Not the best title for my post but this is what I got to listen to for 7 hours on my very last day of actual class today. I'm sad, and thinking about personal stuff in my life that I really try to squish down most of the time. I realized today that this subject is so important in nursing. Most individuals think of healing people and helping people to get better but what about the latter? I really don't have a problem with death, but with that being said, it's hard for me to comfort others who are the family members. Death is sad and tragic and sucks. But I can't say that out loud. On a lighter note, today was my last day of actual class of my first LPN year. How surreal is that??? IT'S AMAZING, that's how it is. I feel incredibly blessed to be where I am. I can't wait for it to be January. Because when I say I'll be a nurse in May, and have my RN in Dec, it will that much closer. I'm living the dream, REALLY, I AM!!!