Pregnancy Fever

Anyone who truely knows me, knows I sometimes get the fever...Pregnancy fever.

And I have it again.

Now listen, before you go thinking something mean, my dog is pregnant, my boss is pregnant, and two of my close friends are pregnant, and one person from work just had a baby this past Friday, a girl. Her name is Sophia.

I feel left out, anxious, jealous, I feel that I am missing out on the joy of it. I hate being envious of others...ugh.

My hubby had his tubes tied 5 years ago, so there is no chance. and really my life is not set up for an infant. My mother in law has always said she saw us with 6 kids, but hell I never even saw myself with 5 kids.
When I was 19 and had Jeff I knew I was screwed. I knew that being pregnant waa going to be an inner battle of mine, I knew if I didn't work in Labor and Delivery that I would have more kids than I knew what to do with...But I still love it.

I'm tired og being made fun of because I make friends with every pregnant person I know. The joy I experience in the delivery room is as exciting for me as it is for the parents...and face it people, I'm damn good at being a labor coach, I know a lot too.

I've thought about being a doula but I needed more, hence being a nurse. I need to be in a hospital, I need to help moms bring healthy babies in this world.

I wish Dea would grant me the wish to be a surragate for just one couple. It's not about the money, I have always wanted to do that for somebody. I have a friend who didn't conceive for years, adopted 6 kids. Then one day her and her husband decided to give it a go. She tried insemination 3 times. She got pregnant all 3 times.
The first time she miscarried.
Second time, the baby was born at 21 weeks and 6 days gestation.. Her name is Isabel Susan, she weighed 13 oz. and was 9 3/4 inches long. She had beautiful black hair like her mama, She cried, pooped, slept, showed her criver lip, and died all in 3 hours.
The 3rd time gave us her son, who is my god-son. He is the most precious being on this earth aside from my own children.
My friend inspires me to be a surragate.

I hope the next 9 months goes by super fast...

Assoicaiate of General Studies

I am so frustraated with school.
Today I went and met with my advisor to get signed off for my associates of health science. But day before yesterday I looked at my Cat Tracks and it said I still needed 3 more classes. WTH? No one told me this at all and if this was the case why wasn't I told.
So now I have to forego my associates of health science and get my associates of general studies. I have worked sooo hard for the past two years, why in general studies? I should be happy and I guess I kinda am but I'm not very excited. I do feel relieved that at least I have something to show for what I've been doing for two years straight with only 10 day breaks, but yet disappointment urkes in the background.

If I get my degree in gen ed then that gives my two points for the nursing program, if I apply early and re-take anatomy I will make it into the alternate pool. HEY, AT LEAST ITS A POOL!

If you WANT Rainbows...You gotta have Rain

In a perfect world, everything would always go right. There would be no disappointments or trials, and life would be filled with only sweet, warm, and fuzzy feelings.

But how would we know if things were good if we had no comparison?
Would we recongnize the blessings in our lives without having the opposite to compasre them to?
Without the darkness, would we appreciate the light?

Seems to me if we want rainbows, we gotta have rain. The trick is to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and go out and look for puddles to play in, reconginze the temptest for what it is and train ourselves to look for the good in every situation. By overcoming our adversity, we find the joy in everything.

So go on, go play in the rain. :)

Mom Update

So Mom has been here for 10 days.

How has it been, you may ask? Well not bad actually. I haven't been feeling anything that gets on my nerves, which is a horrible way of stating it. I expect her to eat. I expect to have to buy her cigerettes, I expect her to sleep when there is somewhere I need to go and she doesn't want to.

I paid for her to get her hair done one Monday, and she like it but seemed more concerned with what could she do to earn Pepsi and smokes. That kinda bugs.

Today I wanted to take her to fill out applications, instead she said she stayed up till 1:30 in the morning and didn't feel well. What can I do? So a couple of things are coming up but nothing I can't work through.

Des is gone till Saturday to my dad's and I have super jealousy issues with that.

Mom did go to Kingdom Hall with me on Tuesday, she had some questions before we left, for example. why do we call God Jehovah? Great question and actually very basic. I tried to answer it for her the best I could. Then we go to meeting and during one of the brothers talks she gets my attention and tells me that shes a bit freaked out because the brother was answering her questions. And she was loud too.
I told her anybody there was capable of studying with her.

Jehovah has my back, I can feel him keeping me calm and level headed.

Chances

So my Mom is coming today.
A lot has happened when it concerns her. She wasn't going to come here till April 1st but she has warn out her welcome at the place she is staying. Not because she did anything hut the extra person puts added burden on this family...completely understandable.

I am so nervous. To open my life up to her sets me up for hurt, frustration, downfall. I have NO illusions that I can change her but I want to GIVE her the opportunity to change.
Chances are SOOO rarely given; I have been given may chances by my husband. She honestly has only ONE chance.

When my mom is around I have constant bad dreams, we argue over my kids, she eats all my food. but I need to move on from my childhood. I need closure like you can't imagine.

She will be going to Kingdom Hall with me. She will have 2 weeks to sleep and get used to the Utah weather and elevation. She understands that I am the mom and she is the grandma. She is not allowed to snack all day and night long. She will have an open door policy is she needs or wants anything.

Pray for me...Pray my family forgives me and yet supports me.
Pray this decision doesn't come in between Dea and I.
Pray I get a medal....lol

Big Decision

So today I made a HUGE decision...I'm going to let my Mom come stay with me for a bit.

It's not for 3 weeks and you never know what will happen in 3 weeks but for now, this is my dicision.

I've tried calling my brother but he hasn't called me back...kinda frustrating. Although I know he's going through some stuff too.

My mom has warn out her welcome where she is...It's not her fault, the people she is staying with just didn't know how long she would be staying. Apparently their gas got shut off a week ago. Maybe I should pay it and call that helping with the costs of her stay.

I don't know.

I'm nervous.
Nervous for myself, my family, my sanity.
Maybe this will bring change.

But I will not hold my my breath, change is hard...For ALL of us!!

We regret to inform you

Sorry I haven't been here in a bit.I have been so busy. If it's not work it's school, or family, or sleep. I haven't even talked to anybody on the telephone.
Which I feel bad about because my dad and I had this super awesome conversation about a month ago and we haven't really talked since. And my sis Kim. We used to talk everyday, if we didn't talk, we sent each other a txt saying hi, but the other day I txt her and she replies shortly saying she was stressed. All I could wonder is what did I do.

Well yesterday I got my letter from Weber State University...
Dear Susan,
The Weber State University School of Nursing Admissions regrets to inform you...Blah blah blah...

I didn't get in... I didn't even expect the letter yet which makes it even worse. I thought it was in regard to a ticket they keep hounding me about, NOT. I didn't really have my hopes up and I don't know anyone who has got in but on the same note it's still disappointing.

Onward and Upward I say... What else can I do...

On a lighter note. The other night we had a few friends over and boss from work came and a few friends from work too. We had a BLAST!!! I can't wait to get together again. In fact my boss, (which at some point I hope to quit referring to her as "MY BOSS" and just my friend Andrea) invited me and the family to Jerico Dunes this weekend. I don't think we can go though cause the trailer needs some a fixin. Maybe next time.

Well readers have a great day...